


There is a glorious sunrise, dappled with the flickers of light.

by winestainedress



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Adopted Children, Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempt at Humor, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Party, Divorce, Dojae and Jaewin are the main couples, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Just Johnny being a crackhead, M/M, Mentioned Mark Lee (NCT), Mentioned Nakamoto Yuta, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Past Domestic Violence, Post-Divorce, Post-Divorce Jaehyun/Doyoung, Single Parents, Song: Happiness, Strangers to Lovers, then it escaleted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:28:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28536660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winestainedress/pseuds/winestainedress
Summary: After seven years in heaven with Doyoung, an unexpected divorce shakes Jaehyun’s life upside down and it seems impossible for him to move on. But Jaehyun finds out that past the curses and cries, there is happiness and forgiveness.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 9
Kudos: 77





	1. There’ll be happiness after me

**Author's Note:**

> Originally this was supposed to be a simple one-shot about dojae based on happiness by Taylor Swift but I got carried away AS ALWAYS and it turned into a two chaptered fic featuring also jaewin. I swear it’s not out of topic but there’s a reason if it became like this. In the second chapter, there are references to past domestic abuse but it’s not described. Also, Little Renjun (and Yerim) just because I didn’t want to create a whole new oc, hope it’s not much of a problem lmao. English is not my first language so there may be some mistakes, I'm sorry in advance. Hope you'll like it. 
> 
> [Here's the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7G6z3JOsxviuomsvDsogjU) if you want to get more in the mood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how much it takes to divorce, I looked for information but there were lots of different things so I choose the timing that worked for the story.

_ There'll be happiness after me, _   
_ But there was happiness because of me.  _

Jaehyun always called himself a dreamer. A hopeless romantic, some may say.

Jaehyun believed in forever. Since he was young he would lose himself in endless pages about people finding ‘the one’ and staying by their side till the end. He knew that someday it would’ve been his turn to experience something like that, it was written somewhere in the stars that he would’ve had his happy ending, his perfect love story with ‘the one’.

Jaehyun believed he had found the one when his eyes started to get lost in Doyoung’s after they met during their first year of college. He didn’t plan any of what came after when their gaze first met, but he loved the way destiny pulled them closer day by day. The dates planned with Johnny’s help, his best friend, who somehow also managed to know Doyoung very well and bring him with him on every occasion. Their nights spent talking together on Yuta’s dorm rooftop when his parties would get too loud and they needed to breathe again. He loved how they would casually talk about their life plans having no idea they would’ve been part of them in the future.

Jaehyun really believed in a forever between them. He had started to believe in it when they moved together in a small two-room apartment to share the rent the second year of college and sharing the same small places brought them a strange sense of joy. Somehow, coming home to him was enough to help him relief from the stress that the hundred of missing essays and exams gave him. Somehow, washing dishes and doing the laundry was a little bit funnier with Doyoung by his side, moving around the house repeating whatever he had to study about statistics and financial risks. And it was funny to laugh at their friends telling them they wouldn’t have lasted for more than three months together when the months passed became six. And it was also funnier to giggle and blush when, giving up on their break up, their friends started to call them 'the married couple' of the group.

Jaehyun started to believe in a forever, even more, when they started to live together even after college, their relationship still going strong. And when they became the first married couple of their group of friends for real, after three years together.

Maybe he had believed in it a little bit too much. So much that when the music stopped and he was left alone dancing with no sound on, he felt like a fool. The spell had broken and he didn’t notice. He was so lost, high up in the sky, blinded by a fake positivity, that he didn’t think how bad it would’ve hurt once he fell down.

He always tried to see the good in every situation. But now, that he was brought back down to earth, he could see it for what it was.

It was the end. They had reached the finish line.

“Maybe we rushed things too much,” Doyoung said standing in front of the other side of the table in the middle of their kitchen. Jaehyun wasn’t looking at him, he was giving him his back, his hands resting on the countertop. He couldn’t put himself to look in his eyes, not when in them there was no love left for him, anymore.

“After seven years, Doyoung?” He asked, bitterness filling his voice as he spat out his full name. No pet names or lovey-dovey, there was no place for them anyway in their story.

“I wanted to give us a try till the end, Jae,” The black-haired man tried to explain. He wanted to get closer to his husband, trying to calm him down, maybe with a hug, that was something that always worked. But now, was that his position to do something like this?

“Was it something that I did or said? Is there a way I can change? Anything to help this get better?” Jaehyun mumbled through sobs, his hands moving swiftly trying to wipe the tears from his face, his back still turned. He hated being vulnerable, usually with anyone but Doyoung, but now he was the cause of all the pain, and he didn’t want him to see him in that condition. But Doyoung knew him too well. And even without looking, he could picture him in his mind. His beautiful warm brown eyes glossy, his soft cheeks flushed red and marked by the salty drops, his lips swollen from the bites of his teeth trying to hold in the sobs. Doyoung hated that sight, and he hated even more that it was because of him.

“No, you didn’t do anything. Is just...” The older stopped, not so sure about the words that were going to come after. He knew Jaehyun was already hurting, he didn’t want to twist the knife in his open wound.

“Is just? Say it, Dodo. Don’t beat around the bush.” Mumbled the brown-haired turning around. Fuck trying not to be weak in front of his eyes. Doyoung had already seen him at his worst, and he didn’t care if now his eyes weren’t his welcoming home anymore. He had to see him, to see his lips move while pronouncing words that would’ve haunted him forever.

“I feel like this is not my place anymore.” This time the one hiding was the oldest. His eyes met the floor as soon as the words slipped out of his mouth, he didn’t want to see Jaehyun’s pretty eyes sadden even more and his face drop into pain. But he didn’t need that, because the choked sob coming from Jaehyun’s lips was more than enough to hurt like a knife in the chest.

“Yoonoh, please,” Doyoung tried to say starting to move closer to the other man, his hand reaching for his husband.

“Don’t call me that and don’t you dare touch me!” He screamed taking some steps back. It wasn’t supposed to come out so cruel and aloof. The normal Jaehyun would’ve slapped himself for this kind of reaction, but now he was dealing with a pain he never imagined to feel. Doyoung was supposed to come home like any other day, hug him from behind, leave a trail of kisses on his neck and then reach for his lips. They were supposed to eat dinner together, do the dishes, and then plunge on the sofa to watch something on the TV together. They were supposed to leave it as a background sound while they made love to each other and then fell asleep there, just to wake up in the middle of the night because one of them fell on the ground. Jaehyun had planned everything but this. Doyoung wasn’t supposed to come home three hours before the usual just tell him that they needed to talk and then ask for a divorce. And no matter how much he knew that he needed to let go, he just couldn’t. Jaehyun couldn’t believe that that was the destiny written for them. Where was his happy ending? Where was his forever? Why Doyoung wasn’t the one?

And letting himself fall against the kitchen cabinet was a childish thing to do, he was a twenty-seven years old man, yet he couldn’t bring his legs to carry him to their bedroom and fall apart there. He couldn’t even force himself to deal with all of it like an adult.

Doyoung’s heart broke into a million pieces, that was the exact reason why he hesitated so much to drop the news. He knew Jaehyun would’ve reacted that way, and he didn’t want to witness that.

“Jaehyun, please.” He tried once again to step closer to him, but somehow the younger would crouch further against the cabinet.

“It’s because there’s somebody else, right? You found someone better than me.” Jaehyun started to mumble, his watery eyes looking up at Doyoung’s and his lower lip shaking.

“No, there’s nobody else, don’t be stupid.” That was one of Jaehyun’s biggest fear, they had talked about it several times, since the first years of their relationship, and normally he would’ve answered with ‘There’s nobody better than you’ but saying it now, would’ve felt like a joke. Doyoung was still convinced than almost none could come close to Jaehyun, or else he wouldn’t have loved him for such a long time, but right now it felt out of place. He was the one leaving.

Jaehyun sighed and got up once again. “Well, whoever it is I hope they’ll be a beautiful fool.” He said moving past him, their shoulders brushing against each other. And normally he would’ve never said something like this, but he couldn’t think past the anger and fury and regret. Maybe if nobody would’ve been able to take his spot next to him he would’ve come back, right? Maybe they were destined to be together, they just need to take a wider route. But he knew that it was a wishful thinking and a delusional dreaming. That was their last stop.

“Why?” He kept repeating under his breath as he paced back and forth in the living room of their house. He knew that Doyoung didn’t own him anything. It was life, people come and people go. You can’t do anything to make them stay if they don’t want to. You can’t force somebody to love you once the thrill expires. But the pill is hard to swallow when you had other plans in mind. When you dared to dream too far and reality collides with it, crushing your fantasies into pieces.

“Jaehyun,” Doyoung called him, trying to gain his attention. And he turned around. “I loved you so damn much, every single day that we spent together was filled with love. I just don’t feel the thrill of before. It’s like our story turned from gold to grey. I just can’t picture me being by your side in the future.” Doyoung knew that his words were like stabs but he also knew that Jaehyun needed to know. Maybe now he would throw a framed picture or a vase at him, but in the future, when he could rationalize everything, he would’ve got why he was doing this. 

“But why?” Jaehyun’s words came out strangled and unusually high for his warm baritone voice.

“I don’t know.” And it was true. Doyoung had no idea how to explain what he felt. He could still remember the pain when he started to feel that something was off. When waking up with Jaehyun by his side stopped giving him the same usual strength to get up and face a hard day at work. Or when coming home he just wanted to eat, take a shower and go to bed instead of talking with his husband. He didn’t know when he started to fake smiles when his mother invited them at lunch on Sundays and asked about their future plans together. He had no idea why Jaehyun started to fade and his sparkling shining golden aura turned into a faded bronze.

“So you’re leaving me for no reasons?” Jaehyun asked, sniffling.

“I –” Doyoung stopped, a heavy breath coming out of his mouth.

“What I deserve I guess.” He huffed running his fingers through his hair, pulling them back. 

“I know why I’m leaving you. I don’t know why I started to feel like this! Do you think I’m happy that our story has to end like this? Do you think I thought of this when I married you? Do you think it’s going to be easy for me?” Doyoung raised his voice in frustration. He hated fighting with Jaehyun. It wasn't something that happened so often but when it did it was hell. Jaehyun was so headstrong and didn't want to listen to anybody, he would simply close in his shell and leave you out, with few or no answers. Then he would usually calm down, and come back to talk, but now they had no time for this. 

“But that’s what you want, Do. How hard is going to be for you if the divorce is going to be the one thing to make you happy?” Jaehyun retorted.

Doyoung didn’t answer. Jaehyun was right. That was what he wanted because he knew that staying with him didn’t bring him happiness anymore. But for Jaehyun, he still was a source of happiness, the one he imagined to spent his whole life with. And he couldn’t compare their pain. So silence was the best thing he could give him. 

And Jaehyun wanted to keep on whining, screaming questions that simply wouldn’t have found any answers. He felt lost. What was going to be of him? No, he wasn’t addicted to Doyoung, he knew that he could survive by himself, but the fact that he couldn’t see the clearer picture terrorized him. He wanted to ask him to hug him, he wanted to let himself go in his arms, the ones who always calmed him down. He wanted to feel the warmth of his body for the last time, bury his face in the crook of his collarbones and breath in his scent. He wanted to hear his soft voice whisper in his ears that everything was going to be fine. He wanted to pretend that everything was fine. That all of that was just a terribly realistic nightmare. But at what cost? Of being hurt even more when reality would’ve hit him once again?

His eyes flickered to Doyoung's, trying to still see himself in them, but there was no trace anymore. A sad smile painted his face and then his head faced the floor again. The cold hit him all of a sudden, Doyoung wasn’t his homeland anymore. And there was nothing he could do to change it. There was nothing to defend anymore, now that their land wasn’t theirs anymore.

Another heavy sigh left Jaehyun’s lips, while his hand tried to cancel the marks the tears had left on his face. He felt like his soul had been sucked away from him and he just wanted to sleep, maybe in another place, he would’ve had a happy ending. Yet, he wasn’t doing anything. Jaehyun was standing still, in the middle of their living room, looking outside of the window, with his arms wrapped around himself, the only hug he could count on at the moment.

The green outside was too bright, too hopeful for him. Right now he just wanted to add sadness to his pain and cry all the liquids he had in his body, but it seemed like he already did. He hugged himself tighter, for the first time, Doyoung’s gaze on him made him feel naked like the one of a stranger. After he had shown him everything he had, all of his most vulnerable spots, he felt uncomfortable under his gaze. A river run down his spine, he couldn’t believe he was feeling like this in front of him. And feeling so unfamiliar under his gaze made him wonder, will he ever be able to let somebody else get as deep under his skin as Doyoung got? He shivered at the thought of opening up to somebody else, of other hands touching him, other lips kissing him. He couldn’t imagine that.

He gave a quick look ad Doyoung another time. The man was leaning against the back of the couch, his hands in the pocket of his suit pants and his head bent looking at his feet.

“I’m sleeping in the host bedroom,” He whispered before walking upstairs quickly, without waiting for the other to answer. He didn’t want to sleep in their bed, or what used to be theirs. He knew that knowing he was under the same roof without being his anymore would’ve consumed him enough.

When he arrived in the bedroom he stopped in front of the mirror. He looked like a ghost. His hair messy and wet from the sweat that pearled his forehead, his white shirt crumpled, his eyes red like his lips and cheeks. He felt so pathetic, he was supposed to face things differently, not like a teenager who just got dumped. But how could he take it well after all the years he had given to Doyoung? Jaehyun knew that it would’ve got better. That one day the cold he felt as soon as his body came in contact with the lonely bed would’ve disappeared. He knew that he would’ve walked out of that door with a genuine smile on his face. He knew he would’ve reinvented himself, and started to feel something once again. He knew there would’ve been brighter days, but now he just wanted to fall in the oblivion of his sadness. He had just lost the love of his life out of the blue. He couldn’t face being positive. He couldn’t face reinvention.

༄

Jaehyun tried to be his old positive self one week after that talk. Maturity had hit him, and he realized that being petty wouldn’t have led him anywhere. He didn’t want Doyoung to feel guilty for something he had all the rights to do and to feel. He also didn’t want to stain their relationship with bad blood. He woke up, trying to wear his best smile, and see the good in that situation like he always did. He tried to go past everything that had happened in the last seven days. But it wasn’t easy looking at Doyoung packing his things up and discuss what he would’ve taken away with him and what would’ve stayed there. Not when memories of them moving in together popped in Jaehyun’s mind every time the older pointed at something to ask him if he wanted it or he could’ve taken it away. And Jaehyun used to shrug almost at everything, he could’ve taken everything, maybe it would’ve helped him to forget him and don’t find him in every corner of the house.

“Are you staying at yours?” Jaehyun dared to ask, knowing damn well that if the answer would’ve been different he would’ve hated it.

Doyoung shook his head. “I’m staying at Donghyuck’s place for a while. I haven’t told my family, yet.” He admitted, his eyes timidly searching for Jaehyun’s. And it felt too strange how their eyes would avoid each other, stealing glances like thieves in the night. It felt like going back to when they first met, but now there wasn’t the excitement of getting to know each other, now there was the fear of hurting each other.

Jaehyun nodded, his lower lip trapped in his teeth, typical of him when he was embarrassed and didn’t know what to say. And he thought that he also didn’t say anything to his parents, or his friends. How do you even say something like this? Why nobody ever teaches you how to deal with bad things? Was a text too harsh to communicate that he wasn’t going to spend the rest of his life with Doyoung anymore? Was it too selfish when he didn’t feel to talk about it with anyone and have to sit there and look at the pity in their eyes?

“Did you– did you already contacted a lawyer?” The younger stuttered.

Doyoung sighed and got up from his bent position over one of the boxes he was filling up with his stuff.

“I wanted to be sure we were doing this.” He said, looking straight at Jaehyun. He couldn’t read his expression, the younger had always been pretty good at hiding his emotion anyway, he couldn’t expect anything else now. “Maybe we can take a pause if you don’t wan–”

“No,” Jaehyun stopped him before he could finish. “I’m fine with a divorce if that’s what you want.” There was no use to tergiversate. Being on a break and for what? Hoping that the flame of love would’ve sparkled inside of Doyoung again all of a sudden; just to be let down once again. No matter how much he hated or didn’t plan this, it was their end, and he had to accept it.

That was supposed to be the hardest part, right? Past all the devastation of the surprise. Past the screams, the curses and cries. Beyond the terror of the night falling on him without Doyoung by his side. He was already halfway there, he just had to let go.

“So, I’ll let you know as soon as I know something,” Doyoung voice sounded tight in his throat as he was standing out of the door. His things packed up in his car, parked in their driveway. It hurt to leave. Because, yes, that was what he wanted but he and Jaehyun had shared so much that actually letting him go wasn’t easy. They had been friends before being lovers. They had been best friends before being boyfriends. They had each other’s back every day before being husbands. Jaehyun was his partner in crime. His other half. The support he knew he could always count on. Jaehyun had been such an important part of his life and now, he wasn’t so sure of letting him behind. But he couldn’t stay, not because of a wave of melancholy or out of pity and habit. No matter how much he deeply cared for Jaehyun, his side wasn’t his place anymore and he couldn’t force himself there.

“Yeah, okay.” Jaehyun simply answered, his hand resting on the door to keep it open. “Drive safely,” He said, with a smile on his face. ‘And let me know when you arrive safe and sound’ he wanted to add, but that simply wasn’t his place anymore. Doyoung would’ve never sent him texts like that again, to let him know that he made it at work, or to the pub when he would go out with his friends on Saturdays. No more texts letting him know he had eaten the food he had cooked for him and it was delicious. No more calls at 3 p.m. because Doyoung didn’t want to deal with clients at work, also distracting Jaehyun from his job. And especially no more kisses at the door, the rushed ones because one of them had to go to work while the other worked from home. Or the rushed one in the car when Jaehyun used to drop him off before driving to his office. And his smile turned bitter when he realised that one of those had been their last and he had no idea. If he only knew, maybe he would’ve kissed him longer and held him tighter, screw it arriving late at work.

“See you, then,” Doyoung said scratching his head, bringing him back to earth, an awkward smile on his face.

Jaehyun held back the urge to launch forward and kiss him because Doyoung looked so beautiful. From the way his sweet eyes shined, so kind yet so captivating, to his perfect cheekbones and the way his hair would fall on his forehead perfectly. And also because he was afraid he would forget way too soon how his lips tasted.

“Yeah, see you,” He whispered instead, pushing down the lump in his throat. The realization that probably the next time he would’ve seen him would’ve been in a court hit him harder than expected. No more of seeing his eyes close to his, or feel his breath on his skin. No more getting lost in his kisses. No more tracing path on his tender skin with his fingers.

Now that Doyoung’s back was facing him he realized that he would’ve never seen it again when he would lay on their bed, and Doyoung would spend minutes facing the closet to pick what to wear after the shower. Or in the morning at the countertop while he would sleepily cook breakfast for both of them. Jaehyun would’ve never let his face sink into his shoulder and let the scent of his hair lull him. 

Another sad smile crept on his face as he closed the door and let his body rest on it.

Jaehyun would’ve loved him for a lifetime. But he had to leave it all behind. All of the pain. And all of the happiness.

He had to leave it all behind.

༄

“A divorce?” Johnny asked with his eyes wide open, he didn’t want to sound so shocked but that wasn’t what he expected when his best friend called him to go over to his place for their usual Tuesday night together.

“Yeah, there’s nothing we can do anymore, John.” The younger man whispered as he swirled the whiskey in his glass. A bitter smile on his face.

“And he’s okay with it?” The other asked, moving uncomfortably in his seat. No, it wasn’t his life, but he had seen them getting together back when they all went to college, he had been Jaehyun’s best man at their wedding, he had helped them move in, and now, this. He always thought they were one of the strongest couples in their circle of friends, that was the last thing he expected to come from them.

“I mean, he asked me this.” If there was someone not okay with all of this was Jaehyun, not Doyoung. But what else was he supposed to do? Stump his feet on the ground, scream and cry, and make Doyoung stay out of pity? He had thought about it when alcohol drowned his blood and he attempted to call him in the middle of the night. But he gave up, and instead, he dragged his body on their bedroom, letting his acid tears wet the pillow were Doyoung used to lay his head. What was left of his scent, lulling him to sleep. 

Johnny's eyes widened even more. He wanted to ask so many questions, but he kept quiet. He was more than sure that Jaehyun didn’t want to talk. Not about that at least.

“Do you want to stay here for a while?” Johnny asked, pushing his hair back with a hand, and leaning closer to his friend with his upper body, trying to get a better view of him. 

Jaehyun thought about it for a while, was that going to change something? He was supposed to go back to what used to be their place anyway, sooner or later. He sighed, pushed down in one go the liquid in the glass and then answered. “No, thanks. I’ll be fine.”

But Jaehyun wasn’t fine at all.

And right there where they used to share their everything, Jaehyun wondered when it all went wrong. When did they start to walk on a thin line? Step after step balancing on a tightrope. When did they fall down? Why he couldn’t see the sign? If Doyoung ever gave him a warning sign. And maybe he did, maybe Doyoung was screaming for help, begging to be heard. And Jaehyun didn’t get it, too busy trying to paint their canvas gold instead of repairing the damages. But Jaehyun didn’t have superpowers, he couldn’t read his mind, no matter how hard he tried or wanted.

Probably he should’ve seen it. When his enthusiasm in holding conversations at dinner faded, and he would move the food from side to side of the plate. He should’ve got that something was wrong when his smiles turned into smirks most of the times. He should’ve seen it when Doyoung would shrink away in the bed, giving him his back and not wanting to be hugged.

Jaehyun could’ve noticed so many things, and dwell in regret, but what was the point now? He couldn’t turn things around or go back in time. But he wondered if Doyoung had secretly given them second, third and hundred changes. And if he did, he was mad at him for not speaking up. For keeping everything under the rug, trying to put the pieces back up by himself. Because Jaehyun would’ve done anything to not shipwreck and save their relationship. Maybe nothing would’ve changed anyway, but at least he would’ve given it a try, and that would’ve made it easier for him to sleep at night without being haunted by regret. 

Another thought that haunted him was when did Doyoung start to mentally already be out of the door? When was the last sincere ‘I love you’ that rolled out of Doyoung’s lips? He thought of their last kiss, shared that morning before Doyoung left for work, and suddenly the taste on his lips turned bittersweet. There was no love in it, and in so many other things they did in the last, he didn't know how many, months.

That hurt him the most. Knowing that there was no love left for him, anymore.

But he hated the most how his brain would constantly bring him back to him. A constant reminder that he wasn’t there. Day and night, on and on.

Jaehyun couldn’t find a way to put a closure to them.

Not even when the closure arrived legally.

Jaehyun’s heart ached when he saw Doyoung standing at the other side of the room. His fit body wrapped in one of his usual suit and tie attire, with his shiny shoes at the feet. His black hair pulled back, showing perfectly his painfully handsome forehead and face. He looked unreal, as always since he met him. And from the outside, it looked like a perfectly usual day, with Doyoung dressed like that ready to go to work and come home. But it wasn’t like this. Because now, the one left on the outside was Jaehyun, looking inside at the film reel that was showing a story that wasn’t there anymore.

It had been three months since he had seen him last when they started the practice for the divorce. And now they needed to seal the deal and put a serious end to it all. It felt strange, a few minutes and they weren’t going to be married anymore even for the law. Memories of their wedding flashed before his eyes, it was crazy how a sign could tie somebody ‘forever’ and another one could tear them apart. 

“So, it’s done.” Jaehyun shrugged with his hands in his pocket as soon as they were outside the court. They were standing next to each other, for no particular reason. They weren’t tied anymore, their red string of fate broken, yet, they couldn’t move away from each other. It strangely felt nice, though. Probably because they were both staring at the crowded street in front of them, full of moms carrying their babies in the strollers, people walking their dogs, others running to work. They could somehow get lost inside other’s people lives and don’t focus on theirs who had just changed forever.

“Yes, it’s done,” Doyoung answered, his eyes looking at the ground for a brief second. He didn’t feel the heavy weight lift from his heart when he signed the papers and he wondered why. Was it because there was no bad blood between them and it was harder to let go? Or maybe because he feared he would’ve lost Jaehyun forever. But could he ask him to stay friends after everything they had? How selfish would have that been?

“Well, what people usually say after this?” Jaehyun asked giggling, turning to the side to face him. His ears tinted with a shy shade of red.

“I have no idea,” Doyoung let out a small laugh. “I guess people usually tell the other to fuck off forever, but I think that’s not the case, right?” He asked, fearing that in reality that was the case. In the end, he kind of deserved it after all the hurting he had cause to Jaehyun without being even able to give him a reason.

“Nope, definitely not us.” The youngest answered with a small smile on his face, and his dimple appeared shyly for a fragment. Doyoung would’ve missed it. He knew he would’ve missed a lot of things about Jaehyun that had made his day for the last seven years. That wasn’t his home anymore, but it had been, and he could never regret it. But he also felt that something better was waiting for them in the future, they would’ve found their happy ending, ‘the one’, their place in the world.

When silent filled the air around them once again, Doyoung started to nervously move on the spot. That was really the end of their story and it felt surreal because he seriously had thought they were the lucky ones. And Doyoung always hated being proven wrong. Or maybe they were the ones. People always say that, right, the right person at the wrong time. Maybe if they had met each other now. Maybe if they hadn’t changed so much through the years. But what was the sense of filling a blank page of ‘What Ifs’ when the reality was different?

“I still have something to take from home, I forgot some things.” The oldest mumbled, trying to fix a strand of hair that was falling from the one who was still sticking together with the gel. No, he wasn’t so sure about it. But it was an excuse to come back again and properly say goodbye to what had been his home for the last years of his life, and see him again.

“You can pass anytime, you know my routine.” The brown-haired noted. ‘You were part of it until a few time ago’ He wanted to add, but didn’t. There was no need to remind him, Doyoung knew it.

“Great,” Doyoung exclaimed, clapping his hand together to cut it out. “I’ll text beforehand so I’ll be sure I won’t bother you.”

“Fine. See you!” Jaehyun answered as he watched him go again. “You won’t ever bother me.” He added in a whisper, just for himself.

And as he watched Doyoung’s disappear from his sight, his heart ached in his chest. It felt like he had been sent away from his homeland, his crown, with no chance of coming back. In exile, seeing him from the outside. Doyoung wasn’t his crown anymore. There was nothing more to defend, now. And he had to accept it.

༄

The Christmas lights were all over the city. From the decoration of the houses to the big illuminations in the streets. The first snow had already fallen on the city and the white snowflakes were still laying on top of every surface they found when they fell from the sky.

The cold was starting to get on Jaehyun’s nerve, his nose red and frozen, the heat given to his hands cupping his face not enough to warm him up.

“Johnny! Are you done?” He asked lightly jumping on the spot to at least try not to freeze his knees too and walk around like Pinocchio.

“I’m almost there. Just this small thing for Mark, he’s coming back from Canada.” His best friend screamed, still busy with his nose buried in one of those small open boutiques in the busy square where they held Christmas markets.

Jaehyun had no idea why Johnny always procrastinated in everything and mostly he had no idea why he would always follow him everywhere. Usually, he wouldn’t have minded much since Christmas was his favourite holiday. It meant staying with his loved ones, hot chocolate in the evening, the same old movies on the TV, making biscuits on Christmas Eve and wrapping up gifts. Usually, he wouldn’t even have minded staying in the frozen cold for hours just because Johnny needed to buy thousand of things last minute and getting his arms numb. Because that would’ve made his home feel cosier once he got back and after hanging his scarf and coat on the clothing hanger he would’ve collapsed in Doyoung’s arms who were waiting for him open as he laid on the couch. And they would’ve laughed about something stupid Johnny had done or said. Just to drink hot tea side by side with their silly matching pyjamas, the ones Jaehyun insisted so much to buy. But his home had gotten pretty cold that winter. He couldn’t feel the Christmas spirit all around him. He didn’t even put up decorations. What was the point anyway if his hands wouldn’t have met Doyoung’s while putting up the lights, or he couldn’t hear Doyoung screaming against the garland who had no intention to stay on the wall. And what was the need of the Christmas tree if the only gift he wanted that year was something he could never have back?

“You’re zoning out again, Jae.” Johnny’s voice brought him back to reality, a sigh left his lips forming a white cloud in front of his face.

“Sorry.” He mumbled looking down at all the bags Johnny was carrying with him. “All of these gifts and for who?”

“You, Ten, Mark, Yuta, my parents, the lil’ girl of our neighbour, oh and the old lady that lives on the other side of the road, she always brings me and Ten biscuits and home-made blankets, she’s so sweet. Some of my co-workers, and other people that you don’t know. Oh also Do–” Johnny stopped immediately when he realized the name that was about to roll out of his lips. 

Jaehyun rolled his eyes at the sky. “You can say his name in front of me, John. I’m not going to die if you talk about him.” He said. “Also hand me some of these. You look like Santa Claus.” He joked grabbing some of the bags the older was holding.

“Well, I don’t want to say something out of place,” Johnny told him as soon as they started to walk towards Johnny’s car.

“You were friends with him before me, so I don’t see where there’s a problem.” Jaehyun reminded him.

“The problem is in the way you stopped seeing the light of the sun unless I drag you out of the house, Mister Jung,” Johnny remarked, side-eyeing him. 

Jaehyun scoffed. “I’m fine, Johnny.”

“Lie to your face in the mirror, not me. I know you since we were in diapers, Yoonoh.” The man said, stopping in his tracks, to give him a bad look.

“Fine,” He gave up, raising his hands in the air. “And what should I do about it?”

“Don’t know, maybe get out? Drag your fine ass somewhere and get some dick like you used to do.”

“Johnny! For fuck sake, shut up!” He screamed, his face turning completely red from embarrassment. Why did he have to be like that?

“I didn’t lie.” He raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t intend to do it.” Jaehyun asserted.

“Why not? You’re just twenty-seven. Don’t act like your life his over.” Johnny whined almost as if he would gain something from him starting to do it. And maybe he would. He wouldn't have to listen to him whine and cry about 'the wasted years of his life' like he used to call him. He would've got the funny positive Jaehyun back. But it felt like a dream. 

“I don’t have the age to go clubbing and come back at two, John.” He rolled his eyes again. “And hook up with random people?” He squealed, just the mere thought disgusting him.

“Don’t act like you couldn’t get any.”

“That’s not the point! I’m not looking for a random adventure.” He explained. He rarely did that when he was in high school, imagine now.

“You really have a thing for commitment, ugh?” Johnny asked tilting his head. They had arrived at the car and Johnny opened the trunk to put the bags inside.

Jaehyun didn’t answer, he simply gave him side eyes and helped with his stuff.

Once the engine was on and they started to make their way in the city traffic, Johnny brought up the conversation again. “Listen, let me be serious.”

“Finally, thank God,” Jaehyun exclaimed, letting his head fall against the seat.

“Hey!” Johnny screamed, hitting his arm playfully. “Anyway, I’m not telling you to go back in the game, yet. I can’t even imagine how hard it is for you, but you can still have some fun, you know?”

Jaehyun’s face contorted in disgust another time. “And how? Downloading some app so I’ll be opening the door to a creepy man who’s real plan is to kill me? Or go to the club and take a woman home and boom, since God’s not by my side she’ll end up pregnant someway?”

“Why do you always have to see the bad picture, you weren’t like this!” Johnny exhaled through his nose, his hands tighten on the wheel out of frustration.

“Exactly, and look at where it led me being all positive and shit.” He burst out moving his hands frenetically.

Another sigh left Johnny’s mouth. The situation was more tragic than what he expected. He knew that it wouldn’t have been all sunshine and rainbows but he couldn’t see his best friend like this. He decided to drop the conversation, though. He had to come up with a great idea Jaehyun couldn’t refuse instead of making him go crazy. So the rest of the drive went on smoothly, with music playing in the background and the two of them talking about this and that.

“Thanks for the ride home,” Jaehyun said once Johnny entered his driveway, one hand on the car door handle ready to go out.

“Thank you for coming and pull up with my shits. I swear that your Christmas gift is going to make it up for all of this.” Johnny said, a bright smile painted on his face.

Jaehyun smiled with his eyes, something Johnny had stopped witnessing so often. “Nah, you know I like spending time with you like this. It reminds me of when we were younger.”

“Wait!” Johnny screamed rolling down the window. “Why don’t you come to our party on the 22nd? Ten told me that one of his friends from the dance academy course in French is coming over, if I don’t remember wrong he’s also your age.”

Jaehyun wanted to roll his eyes again, Johnny really wasn’t throwing the towel. But instead, he thought for a while and then agreed. What could go wrong?

Everything, actually.

It wasn’t even Jaehyun’s fault. He went there with the best intentions, even quite convinced of letting himself go for one night and, why not, give a shot to Ten’s friend. He deserved a sparkle of happiness, right? Wallowing in his misery wasn’t leading to anywhere good.

And now Jaehyun was standing in his friends’ hall, leaning against the white wall with a glass of champagne in hand looking around the room. One hour had passed since he had arrived and Ten’s friend was nowhere to be seen. And in all of that, Johnny had forgotten to say that they had also invited Doyoung to the party. Worst of it all it was that Doyoung had brought along somebody else.

Jaehyun wanted to leave. Run at home and cry in his bed till he passed out. But at the same time, he didn’t want to seem weak in front of his friends and his ex-husband. He knew that leaving would’ve made him the centre of their conversations with Johnny sighing and saying how bad he was affronting the situation. And as much as he liked his friends caring for him he also hated to be pitied, especially in front of the cause of his pain.

Tired of acting like a pillar for the wall he started to wander around the room. He had no idea since when Johnny and Ten started to have so many friends to call over, and why they enjoyed so much throwing parties. Probably it was all Ten’s fault, and the way he couldn’t leave his job as an event planner out of the house. It was good, though. Ten’s taste was great and similar to Jaehyun’s, delicate colours schemes and pretty decoration. And Johnny was good at cooking, making delicious finger foods laying on the table that they moved in the middle of the living room. Their house was also big enough to let people breathe and don’t crash against each other. But he used to enjoy this party way more the years that had passed. There were fewer people and he almost knew every single one of them. Now the place was full of unknown faces and the ones he knew were hurting him.

Thank God the kitchen was empty and he knew that Johnny let the pass inside only to few people, luckily he was one of them. He could breathe again and get ready to go back outside and face all the other happy faces. Maybe start talking with someone about everything and anything. He wasn’t so sure he wanted to hear about anyone’s happy families and their successful marriage, but he guessed it was still better than nothing.

One thing he wasn’t expecting on the way out was coming face to face with Doyoung. His breath got caught in his throat as he took a small step back, the distance between them increasing. That was the last thing he wanted to happen. Seeing him from distance was already bad enough but having to face him, oh hell no.

He had no idea if it was because it had been six months since had seen him last, but Doyoung looked even more breathtaking than the usual. His black hair was falling into places so perfectly on his face. He was wearing one of his favourite black turtleneck, a silver necklace that he couldn’t recognize, and black jeans. But then Jaehyun’s eyes fell on Doyoung’s hand just to see a ring that wasn’t theirs, and his heart skipped a beat.

“Hey.” Before he could focus more on it, Doyoung’s voice brought his attention back on him.

“H–hey,” He stuttered, suddenly feeling trapped. Doyoung had no intention to start a conversation with him, right? He wouldn’t have been so cruel, right?

“How’s it going? It’s been quite some time since we’ve seen each other.” Okay, Doyoung had chosen cruelty that day. And Jaehyun decided to be a fool and answer him. He should’ve made up a random excuse and leave. Say that he forgot something on the stoves. Or that he needed to turn down the heater he had forgotten on. But he decided to stay, and lie.

“Good. I’m doing great. What about you?” His same old fake smile that he would plaster in a situation like this popped on his face, but now Doyoung was too busy to notice it, too caught up in something else, or better, someone else, to decipher the messages behind Jaehyun unspoken words. 

“That’s amazing. Johnny had told me you were a bit down?” Doyoung asked, worry written all over his face. And it would've warmed Jaehyun's heart if he could only have the confirmation that it was real and not put there just because he had to. 

“Oh no, I’ve been extremely busy with work lately and I also started to do graphic commission by myself, outside of the agency that’s why,” Jaehyun said smiling. Reminding himself to kill Johnny the first time he had the opportunity.

“Oh, wow. Want to go independent?” Doyoung asked and he sounded genuinely interested in it.

“Don’t know. Just wanted to try something else.” He smiled, the reality was that he was trying to fill his days with more work so he couldn’t think about anything else. Or to be more precise, he had no time to think about Doyoung. Staying up all night for him was already enough. Working on graphics of any kind meant to do hours of research, build a plan, make drafts and then put everything into work. He couldn’t let himself get lost into other things that hurt him more.

Doyoung nodded, pressing his lips in a thin line.

“You?” Jaehyun asked again, knowing damn well he would’ve hated the answer. Because Doyoung had nothing to lie about. He was happy without him.

“Mh, quite good. Same shit at work, I guess.” Doyoung laughed it off, leaving out the part of his love life and how happy he was. There was no need to be so cruel and shove in his face that he had found somebody else after nine months without him.

Jaehyun held back a laugh, he knew he was avoiding that topic because Doyoung was more than happy. He could see it in his relaxed face and in the way he was laughing happily when Jaehyun caught sight of him at the start of the night, with his arms around the other boy’s waist. There was no need to give him fake niceties when he knew damn well that Jaehyun had him written in the palm of his hands and could read him like the words of his favourite song. And he could see that Doyoung was shining, sparkling like a comet in the sky, who passed in his sky for a brief second and then moved on, destined to glow forever for somebody else.

“You’re here! I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” A voice exclaimed all of sudden from behind Jaehyun. He didn't need to turn around to know who it was.

“Yeah, I was catching up with –” Doyoung stopped in his track, not knowing what to say. Taeyong knew he was divorced but he never talked much about it and he also never seen a picture of him, there was no way he could recognize him, also he didn’t want to use the term ex-husband for some reason in front of Jaehyun.

“I’m Jaehyun.” The youngest said handing his hand to the man who came by Doyoung side, deciding to skip the awkward part of letting him know who he was in his past life.

The man smiled and shook his hand. “I’m Taeyong, nice to meet you.” Then he turned to Doyoung. “Johnny needs you upstairs for something, by the way.”

“Oh, right now?” He asked, his eyes moving fast between the two other men. Taeyong nodded and grabbed a glass of champagne from the stand by their side. “Coming with me?”

“No, he just wanted you.”

Doyoung stopped in his tracks and glanced back at Jaehyun worried.

Jaehyun smiled and though that Doyoung hadn’t met the new him, yet. 

“Go, you know Johnny doesn’t like to wait. We’ll survive without you.” He joked, trying to assure Doyoung that there was no problem if he let them alone.

A small chuckle left Taeyong lips at his words and after a second of hesitation, Doyoung disappeared in the crowds of other people.

“You’re Johnny’s friend?” The blonde-haired man asked, turning around to look at him.

“Yeah, we’ve grown up together.” He said, taking a big gulp from his glass of champagne. He knew he needed it to survive. “You?” He added, trying to get the answer Doyoung was avoiding to give him.

“Oh, I’ve worked with Ten at an event and we quickly became friends.” He said smiling and Jaehyun frowned. Both because things weren’t adding up, he and Doyoung were way too close to not know each other, and also because he was incredibly handsome and the most immature part of him hated him. If he wanted, Taeyong could’ve stolen anyone’s man from their hands, there was no wonder Doyoung fell for him.

“And well, I’m also Doyoung’s boyfriend. You know, one thing leads to another and here we are.” He added, tilting his head to the side with a small smile on his face. 

Jaehyun’s heart clung in his chest. He nodded, smiling bitterly and letting his eyes look down at his feet for a moment. Just enough for him to hide the pain at Taeyong’s eyes. 'Doyoung’s boyfriend', and it wasn’t him.

“Are you dating someone?” The man asked, and in the sincerity of his voice, Jaehyun got that he had no idea who he was talking to. But he liked it that way. He hated fake niceties and pity. He was tired of the same mortified faces he got every time he talked with someone about his divorce, and he didn’t want them from his ex-husband’s boyfriend.

“No, and I really don’t plan too.” He said sarcastically.

Taeyong's smile dropped, not getting where he was coming from.

“Coming out of a bad break-up after years together.” He answered his silent question, his lips pressing together in a tight smile that made both of his dimples pop out. And he could already see Taeyong’s sorry face.

“Don’t,” He warned, “I’m fine. Don’t say you’re sorry for something you didn’t do.”

Taeyong simply nodded and then stared at the ground.

“Tell me about you and Dodo, instead.”

And Taeyong face lit up again. His eyes sparkling as he started talking about this and that, and Jaehyun simply listened. How painful it was to hear somebody else talk about Doyoung like he was used to. And how hard it was to pretend he didn’t know anything so intimate about it, like the bad habit he had of leaving the wet towel on the sofa, or the spoon in the pan, or how soft he looked first thing in the morning with his sleepy gummy smile.

“You seem like an amazing couple,” Jaehyun affirmed genuinely once Taeyong finished.

Taeyong blushed. “Thanks, I’m really lucky to have him by my side.”

“Yes, you are,” Jaehyun said. “And he’s lucky to have you.” He added, swallowing the pain in his throat. Though, he wasn’t lying. Jaehyun was glad to know him in good hands, and Taeyong seemed a really good person.

Jaehyun knew that there would’ve been happiness after him. That was what Doyoung was looking for. The happiness Jaehyun wasn’t able to give him anymore. But he also knew that there had been happiness because of him, and they couldn’t delete all of that. He believed in that.

“Tell him I said hi.” He mumbled waving at the blond when he saw the black-haired coming down the stairs and started to walk away before he could hear his answer.

“Oh, sorry!” Somebody mumbled after crashing against him. His glass almost dropping from his hands.

“No, don’t worry, it’s fine.” He answered, trying to regain his composure. He didn’t even look at them and started to walk away, but a hand blocked him by the wrist. He sighed, not really in the mood to start a conversation with someone. He wanted to leave. His social battery had run low.

“Sorry, didn’t want to be rude. Are you Jaehyun?” The voice asked, and finally, he turned around. His eyes meeting a man around his age, with phoenix brown eyes, and chocolate brown hair falling on his forehead.

“Why?” Jaehyun snapped out of his momentary trance.

“I’m Ten’s friend.” He sputtered, embarrassment filling his voice. “Oh, he didn’t say anything. Forget I said anything.” He said, red in the face, realizing that the man in front of him had no idea of who he was, and turned around.

“No, wait!” Jaehyun yelled, stopping him just like he did with him before. “I’m Jaehyun. I knew one of his friend my age was coming over, just had no idea it was you.”

The men smiled after emitting a sigh of relief. “Typical of Ten.” He laughed, rolling his eyes. “I’m Sicheng.” He added, giving him his hand.

“Johnny’s not going to talk to me for a week when he realizes that I sneaked out of his party to go drink a beer in a bar with a stranger.” Jaehyun laughed after taking a sip from the pint.

Sicheng laughed and mirrored his action of putting the pint down on the small table in front of them. “I think he’s going to be more than okay with it, to be honest.” He teased, smirking and tilting his head to the side.

Jaehyun sighed and slumped his head against the palm of his head. “Damn, the situation is way more tragic than I was expecting if he told you about this setup.”

Another giggle slipped out of the man, who he later found out to be Chinese, lips.

“Actually,” he stated, “this was a set up also for me.” He admitted, face flushed in red.

“Really?”

Sicheng nodded, taking another gulp from the glass. He wasn’t sure about telling him his story, or why he was there, trying to find a new and better life, but at the same time, he didn’t want to keep many secrets to him. Nothing good starts with thousands of skeleton in the closet.

“What are you looking for, here?” Jaehyun asked, propping his chin with his elbow on the table.

Sicheng exhaled and let his back rest against the bench. “Happiness, I guess.” When Jaehyun expression changed and suddenly the mood became sadder he added, “Was that too deep?”

Jaehyun shook his head immediately and straightened his posture. “No. I’m looking for the same thing.”

The Chinese man took a breath of relief, a small smile appearing on his face. “I just want to breathe, you know? I tough that close to my thirties big surprises in my life would be over but destiny loves to prove you wrong.”

Jaehyun had no idea what he was talking about, but he could exactly get his point of view. Being almost thirty doesn’t mean that you’re old, or that your life is over, but starting from zero when you weren’t expecting certain things to happen wasn’t easy.

“So you opted for the ‘New country, new me’” He tried to ironize, adding quotation marks with his hands in the air.

“I guess,” Sicheng shrugged. “I needed to breathe fresh air and give my life a drastic change that would motivate me to move forward.”

“A break-up?” The other asked, raising his eyebrow, trying to guess what he was running away from. 

Sicheng stilled for a second and mumbled: “Yes, just that.” And then added an embarrassed laugh. Jaehyun nodded, not totally convinced, but who was he to expect him to open up to him? They were strangers who were happening to be talking to each other.

“And you?” Sicheng asked, trying to change the topic from him and his life. 

“Ugh,” he chuckled, “I just divorced after seven years, pretty much out of nowhere because everything seemed perfect for me but apparently it wasn’t.” He said, with a forced smile on his face, looking straight at Sicheng’s eyes.

Sicheng’s mouth hung open as he tried to find the words to say. “That sucks,” he let out before he could realize he had said it out loud. “No shit I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. Dammit, that’s why I fuck everything up.” He started to mumble out covering his mouth every two words and looking everywhere but Jaehyun.

But instead of getting mad, a loud deep laugh resonated from Jaehyun’s chest. “Is this drunk you or are you normally like this?”

“I – I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that.”

“You didn’t offend me. It was the best reaction I received after I delivered the big news. It’s not a lie, it sucks.” He smiled, trying to reassure him. “Plus, I like that you’re honest.” He smirked. 

“Was that an attempt to flirt?” Sicheng asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“I hope I can do better than this while flirting.” 

The night went on quite smoothly, Sicheng was nice and they matched unexpectedly well together. Yet, something was stopping Jaehyun from loosing up completely. They could’ve easily gone home together and have a one night stand, just to have some fun, but something about the mere thought of it felt so wrong.

“So, it was great.” He whispered, his head low and his feet moving nervously. The cold was getting in their bones, out of the pub, bidding their goodbyes.

“Yes, it was. We could exchange numbers.” Sicheng proposed, smiling warmly at him. 

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Jaehyun mumbled, taken aback, not expecting that to happen.

“Listen, I want to be honest with you,” Jaehyun said, putting his phone back in his pocket once they exchanged numbers. He waited for the other to nod and then went on. “I’m not looking for something romantic and serious right now.”

Sicheng smiled, a little bit bitterly and hung his head low. He had to expect it but he was still kind of sad about it. “Yeah, can imagine. It’s okay, I need friends anyway.”

“Yeah, me too. We can hang out more often.” He smiled.

“Sure, would love to.” Sicheng said, but there was a little problem, a small secret he had kept to himself for the whole night. Sicheng wasn’t so free of going out when he wanted to.

༄

Once at home, Jaehyun launched himself in his bed and let the sheets cover him completely. He wasn’t sad, he was frustrated. He hated how he couldn’t move on. Still stuck on the white pages of a book nobody would’ve kept on writing.

Why was it so hard for him to get over Doyoung? And why Doyoung already forgot him? Was he so easy to be replaced?

He got up, throwing the sheets to the side and made his way to the kitchen. Some water would’ve helped, and also made him avoid a hangover the morning after.

But the haunting thoughts had no intention to drown themselves.

Usually, divorces were never painful, it was something both people wanted, and in the cases where somebody wasn’t okay with it, there were economical issues or children in between. But there wasn’t the case.

Jaehyun couldn’t make the pain go away, in any way. He couldn’t make it go away by painting Doyoung as a villain, simply because he wasn’t. Doyoung had never done anything wrong in their seven years together. He made him live in paradise, and maybe that was the price he had to pay for all of the happiness. He should’ve reminded himself that the high was worth the pain, but he couldn’t.

And now that the cold of the night was creeping in his bones he couldn’t help but think that Doyoung’s body wasn’t next to his to keep him warm. Doyoung’s hand weren’t running on his naked skin, his lips weren’t leaving red marks on his abdomen, and they wouldn’t have become one in the night. Doyoung right now was in another bed, becoming a mess in other sheets that weren’t his. That night, and all the others from then on, the one to lay his head on Doyoung’s chest once they were done would've been Taeyong and not him. Doyoung’s heartbeat wasn’t his lullaby anymore.

While he would lay there, for another night that seemed endless, sleepless, trying to bid him goodbye. Trying to close his eyes and dream of a place far away from there, and be able to say his long goodbye at least in his dreams. But instead, when his brain would give up in the arms of Morpheus, Jaehyun would see it all, vivid in front of his eyes. Doyoung’s face, lighting up in the morning. His skin against his. His voice telling him how much he loved him and how he would spend the rest of his life by his side. And it felt so real, that Jaehyun couldn’t help but wake up with tears streaming down his face when Doyoung’s phantom disappeared right in front of him. 

And he wished he knew how to deal with all of that. But nobody teaches you how to face a break-up like this.

No one tells you what to do when the person that swore to be by your side in joy and pain, in health and sickness, turns their back to you. Nobody tells you what to do when a good man hurts you, and involuntary, you hurt him too.

And when Jaehyun didn't know what to do, feeling lost and unmoored, he made a mistake that would've changed his life forever.


	2. There’ll be happiness after you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter there are the mentions of domestic abuse but there's nothing explicit or graphic.

_ There'll be happiness after you, _   
_ But there was happiness because of you too._

“Shit!” Sicheng muttered under his breath standing up from the mattress with his back. His eyes looked around the room swiftly, trying to catch a glimpse of his phone. Nowhere to be found. He got out of the covers, trying to be as silent as possible, and started to wear his clothes that were messily discarded on the floor the night before. 

“Why do you always have to sneak out like a thief?” Sicheng stilled on the spot, one leg up in the air trying to enter in the pants and his front facing the door. Fuck, Jaehyun was awake. And he didn’t need to turn around to know how he was looking at him, not after three months this shit was going on, and his heart started to sink every time he had to say goodbye. Jaehyun’s gaze was burning on his back. He was sitting on the bed, with his hands laying on his lap, covered by the white sheets of his bed, his hair still ruffled, his eyes sleepy and his lips puffed. Sicheng hated that sight because every day was getting harder to leave. 

_Not looking for anything, my ass._ He hissed inside his head. Cursing the night he let himself get caught in all of this. 

“I’m late.” He mumbled, regaining his composure and grabbing his shirt that was laying on the armchair at the corner of the room. 

“It’s Saturday. Late for what?” Jaehyun asked, annoyance in his tone, as he let his body collapse on the bed again. And Sicheng didn’t dare to turn around, knowing damn well how easy it would’ve been for him to lure him to stay a little bit more.

“Didn’t know people had no plans on Saturday.” He tried to joke about it and finally turned around. Just because he was fully clothed and there was no way he could go back in bed. 

Jaehyun huffed, his arm coming to rest on his eyes. “Can I come with you?” 

“No!” Sicheng almost choked himself. His eyes widening and looking all around the room. Where the hell was his phone? 

Jaehyun got startled, not expecting this kind of reaction. 

“I’m just late for something I need to do, okay? I really can’t stay. It was great, though. See you.” Sicheng mumbled, without catching his breath once. Then he disappeared out of the room, praying that his phone was in the kitchen or somewhere downstairs. 

A curse slipped out of Jaehyun’s lips as he rolled around the bed, his face pressed against the pillow where Sicheng slept all night. 

Maybe things started to get messed up in his life once again. And maybe, this time, it was totally his fault. 

He didn’t understand why Sicheng acted like this every time he stayed over. Or better, he didn’t understand why all of a sudden he started to care. 

He wasn’t looking for anything, right? But Sicheng was just so fun to stay with, he was kind, yet he had sharp humour and knew how to speak his mind. Oh, and the way he used to throw his head back when laughing, such a deep yet silly sound. Or how his eyes would light up when he talked about dancing. 

Jaehyun growled in the pillow. He wasn’t supposed to think about all of that. He wasn’t supposed to find him so damn cute. That was not what he was looking for when he called him on the phone, one night of three months ago, to ask for a quick fuck that could distract him from his toughs. 

“A little bit too shy now for somebody who just booty called me,” Sicheng teased raising an eyebrow. His hands wandering on Jaehyun’s back trying to lift his shirt and get rid of it as soon as possible. 

Jaehyun mumbled something that made no sense and leaned closer to kiss him. “I– Listen it’s been quite some time, okay?” He reminded him. “Also, Doyoung has been basically –”

Sicheng shut him with a kiss, his hands running in his hair and pulling him even closer.

“As much as I love it when you talk shit I would very much like for you to shut up, now. Especially if you have to bring him up when you clearly called me to forget about him.” He said. His deep voice firm but not stern, but the thing that made a shiver run down Jaehyun’s spine was the look of his eyes, they were so intense and Jaehyun felt so naked in front of him he couldn’t help but blush. 

“I just thought that –”

“Shh,” Jaehyun had no chance to finish once again, Sicheng's finger coming on top of his red plump lips, “Can you just relax for one night? Let me take care of you.” 

And Jaehyun did. He let go. The only problem was that they both didn’t pay much attention to the ‘one night’ part. Because the nights became two, and three and then so many that they had lost track. And then they also stopped just being ‘nights’. 

Jaehyun had no idea if it was because, apparently both of them, Sicheng didn’t really open up much about his break up, had spent their wildest years settled with one person and now they were feeling the rush of a random fling. Or if that was simply what they needed. Whatever it was, they couldn’t stop, but they had no idea where all of this was about to go. 

Jaehyun decided to get up from the bed. Deciding that moping in his toughs didn’t help. And it seemed hilarious to him how he was just stopping dwelling on is ex-husband that somebody else had started to screw him over. 

༄

“You can’t go on this way,” Johnny said, stirring the coffee in his cup. 

“Not you telling me to stop all of this when you were the one throwing me in his arms.” Jaehyun lamented, reminding Johnny that he was stressing him just a few months ago to open up and meet new people. 

“I told you to have fun, not to get caught up emotionally.” Johnny retorted. 

“I’m not. You think I like him that way?” Jaehyun laughed. 

Johnny raised an eyebrow and gave him a bad look. Maybe it wasn’t love, yet, but Jaehyun was growing affectionate to him. Johnny could see it. He knew exactly how Jaehyun started to act when he started to like somebody. 

“It’s just sex and friendship. We are good friends, what’s wrong with it?” 

“Then why are you mad if he leaves?” Johnny highlighted teasing him. 

“I just hate the way he acts sometimes. He’s keeping secrets and for what I know he could be a serial killer, John. And he would also be good at it.” Jaehyun started to mumble, his hands moving frenetically. Sicheng was so damn mysterious, and usually, Jaehyun was pretty good at reading people, but with him, it was impossible to take a small peek inside. 

His friend rolled his eyes and then sighed. “You need to relax.”

“But how?” The younger squealed. 

“Why don’t you talk to him?” Johnny said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. And it was, just not for Jaehyun. 

Jaehyun laughed but then turned serious as soon as he saw Johnny’s face looking at him with a severe expression. 

“What if I lose him?” He whispered, his voice suddenly filling with a bit of sadness. 

“What if you find out you’re just paranoid and you stop torturing yourself?” Johnny proposed him, showing him the other side of the medal, where everything could go right and he would find inner peace after finding out that Sicheng wasn't hiding anything big from him. 

Jaehyun sighed. “But it’s not my place to ask. If he doesn’t want to tell me I can’t force him. I don’t want to scare him away.”

Johnny sighed. When Jaehyun didn’t want to listen there was really nothing he could do. “Just because it happened once it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen twice.” Johnny didn’t say much, but Jaehyun knew what he was talking about. Jaehyun always feared being left, but after the divorce things got worse, to the point that he also started to question his friendships and how easily replaceable he was. Doyoung was still an open wound that seemed to have no intention to heal. He didn’t miss him like that anymore. Now Jaehyun could openly see the situation for what it was. After giving him all the best he had, there was nothing else. The only thing he could give to Doyoung was the green light of forgiveness. He couldn’t be mad at him for having finally found his happiness. He knew Taeyong was giving everything he wasn’t able to give him. He had stopped being the petty him, he had let sorrow and regret behind. But he was dealing with the aftermath of everything. And healing wasn’t easy and fast as everybody wanted to believe. Blooming was painful and long. 

༄

“Why are you always in a hurry, Cheng?” Jaehyun lamented, his arms wrapping around Sicheng’s torso to keep him flushed against him. 

“I simply have to go.” The Chinese man answered, trying to get away from Jaehyun’s grip. He didn’t want to, to be honest. It was nice to stay there, in the warmth of his bed and body, and let himself lose in Jaehyun’ scent. But he had to. 

“Yeah, but why? Why are you so mysterious. Are you hiding bodies in your freezer?”

Sicheng chuckled, letting his head fall back and rest on Jaehyun’s chest. His eyes looked at the clock, 3 p.m. Maybe he could let himself stay a little bit more. 

“Fine, but just thirty minutes more.” He said, turning his head a little to leave a peak on his lips. Jaehyun smiled in the kiss and nodded. 

“You can’t dodge the question, though.” 

Sicheng’s body stiffed for a split second. Maybe dodging no, but lying definitely. He hated keeping it a secret to him but he was just terrified he would leave, just like _she_ did, and he didn’t want that to happen again. Or worst, get mad like _he_ used to. He knew he couldn’t keep it from him forever, and he knew that it would’ve hurt like hell when Jaehyun would’ve slipped out of his life, but right now he didn’t want to think about it. Because for how messy the whole thing it was, Jaehyun made him feel good. Not only in a sexual way. He loved being with him, for what he could. He felt comfortable with him. They had so many passions in common, he would never laugh at him or at something that made him happy. Jaehyun was so fucking supportive that it felt like a fever dream to Sicheng. He wasn’t used to all of this. Always getting caught in toxic relationships where he would always take too much space and time. And it was absurd to him how he felt more loved in this mess, that was just a strange friendship stained with sex, than he felt in any other relationship he ever had. 

“I babysit a four years old baby, and his parents are never home, basically.” He lied, his heart aching. A part of him felt he could trust Jaehyun with the truth, but what if underneath he was like anybody else? Nice on the surface and pure evil once he let them in. He felt that Jaehyun didn’t deserve all these lies, but he had to protect himself and _him_. 

“You babysit?” Jaehyun asked in shock. 

“Yeah, why?” Sicheng tried to stop his voice from shaking, looking at Jaehyun's face to read him. 

“First of all, I thought you worked at the dance studio. And second, I don’t know, never pictured you with a baby.” Jaehyun said, a little bit confused. 

“I have two jobs, but I’m focusing more on the babysitting. Might also quit the dance, to be honest.” The man mumbled, his eyes once again looking away. 

“Why? I thought that was your dream?” 

“Well, we can’t always have what we dream of.” Sicheng sighed, maybe he should’ve run out of the bed right now and avoid any more questions. 

“And the baby?” Jaehyun furrowed. He thought that teaching paid him enough to live only of that. Wasn't it a more stable workplace compared to babysitting? Babies grow. 

“What?” 

“Why you chose to babysit?” 

“Oh, it just happened.” He invented at the spot. But the insecurity in his voice didn’t reach Jaehyun that seemed to be busy daydreaming about something else. 

“Why are you smiling so big?” Sicheng asked, eyebrows furrowed. 

Jaehyun shrugged. “Imagining you with a child.” 

“I’m good with babies.” Sicheng defended. 

“Never said you weren’t. You would make a great father I guess.” Sicheng heart stopped for a moment, what was he implying? 

“He’s not mine.” He spat out immediately. 

“I know. Just saying, for the future, you know.” The Korean turned his face back on him and flashed him a warm smile. 

“You would like to have babies?” Sicheng asked. “I mean, just asking.” He added soon after to make sure he wasn’t implying that they would be with him. 

Jaehyun’s smile dropped. “Yeah, always wanted at least one. Doyoung and I actually had started the practice to adopt but things went wrong for bureaucratic problems and we had to give up.”

“Oh,” Sicheng said. He had no idea about that. Jaehyun never talked about that before, he always thought children never crossed their minds. 

“Guess it’s better like this seeing how we ended.” He tried to see the half-full glass. He could still remember how he had cried for months when things went wrong and he had to give up the thought of them with a baby. 

Sicheng nodded, and then looked at the clock again. He almost had to leave, but one last question haunted him. 

“Do you want to get married again?” Sicheng asked, having no idea why. If he said yes it would mean there was no place for him in his life. They were nothing serious. 

“I don’t want to make plans for my life anymore, to be honest. I’ll just follow the flown wherever it leads me.” Sicheng didn’t know if he had to be happy about it or not. But he should’ve because the flown had lead Jaehyun to him and he was more than happy with that. 

“I have to go, now. Text me.” Sicheng said getting up from the bed, for the first time without Jaehyun begging for him to stay. Now that he knew the truth he could finally relax.

But the problem was that it wasn’t the truth at all. 

“Who are you?” Jaehyun’s eyebrows narrowed when he arrived in front of Sicheng house and he didn’t find him when the door opened. A shiver run down his spine when the door opened and he didn’t see anybody. Then his eyes lowered and he found a child looking at him intensely. Was that Sicheng’s mini version? Because that was the same look he would give him every time he was mad. 

“Umh, I’m looking for Sicheng, actually. He told me he wasn’t working on Saturday.” Jaehyun tried to explain, trying to sound as calm as possible but it wasn’t easy because the little boy was scaring him. Why was he there if Sicheng wasn’t supposed to be working? 

The boy looked up and down at him and then talked again. “I don’t know you, and dada says not to let strangers at home.” 

“Oh, no. I’m Sicheng’s friend. I passed because I tough he was free. Are your parents busy?”

An interrogative expression painted on the boy's face, and then he took some steps back, closing the door a little bit. “Dada is in the shower, can’t come right now.” 

“Sicheng?” Jaehyun asked, trying to get who he was talking about.

The boy nodded. And Jaehyun wondered how absent his parents must be if he called Sicheng dad, he knew that it could happen often to babysitters when they looked after young children but he always found that kind of sad. And wasn’t he supposed to look after him? Why would he leave somebody else baby alone? 

“Can I come in? It’s quite hot outside, I just want to say hi.” 

“No strangers.” The boy said. Damn, he was headstrong. But at least he had been educated well. Better like this than running away with strangers. 

“If I let you see a picture of me and Sicheng will you let me in?” Jaehyun asked, kneeling at his level. 

The brown-haired boy nodded, holding the teddy bear closer to his chest. 

“Come in.” He said and moved to the side once the man showed him a picture of them hugging. 

“Thanks. Actually, I have brought sweets, do you want some?” Jaehyun asked, making his way in the house and showing the young boy the package full of pastries. 

The boy’s eyes lit up and he ran toward the small table that was placed in the living room. Sicheng’s house was considerably smaller than his, but it was normal considering he was the only one living there. Yet, this was the first time he came over during the day and he could notice things he never noticed before. Like the thousands of toys that were splattered all around the living room. And when he posed the pastries in front of the child on the table, his eyes fell on the framed pictures on the fireplace. 

No, it couldn’t be. 

He turned around, studying the baby better. He was busy picking all the pastries that had chocolate inside. He was wearing red shorts and a white tank top with Tom & Jerry printed on top. His legs swinging in the air and a familiar smile painted his small face. He focused on his face, his eyes, his little nose, his lips...

There was no way he could be –

“What are you doing here?” Sicheng exclaimed. He was wearing a loose white shirt and black shorts. His hair still wet from the shower. 

“He told me he’s your friend and he brought the pastries, so I let him in.” The boy said before Jaehyun could say anything. 

“Renjun!” Sicheng exclaimed, his Chinese accent coming out completely. “How many times I told you not to let people you don’t know inside?” 

“But he showed me a picture of you together!” 

“In his defence, he kept me five minutes outside to see if I really knew you,” Jaehyun said. 

“Fine. What are you doing here? We didn’t say to hang out.”

“You told me you weren’t working so I thought –“

“I’m working, didn’t told you plans changed.”

“But dad, you’re not working,” Renjun said, with his mouth stuffed with food, looking angrily at Sicheng. 

Sicheng closed his eyes and his fist. And that’s why you don’t have conversations between adults in front of children. 

“So it’s true...” Jaehyun whispered, a hand coming to cover the stupor on his face. 

“Jaehyun, please, not here.” The other man begged, voice breaking in his throat. 

“Renjun, to your room now, take the sweets with you, just for this time.”

༄

“Why you didn’t tell me?” Jaehyun said as soon as Sicheng pushed him inside the small kitchen and closed the door behind them, to make extra sure that Renjun couldn’t hear anything. Jaehyun was angry, thank God he wasn’t screaming at him but Sicheng could hear how hurt he was from the whole thing. But he couldn’t force himself to look up at the man in front of him. He didn’t want to see his eyes filled with disappointment. 

“Sicheng, why would you hide something so big from me?” He asked again, raising his voice a little. “What idea of me you had in mind to cut out such a big part of your life?” 

The Chinese man flinched, raising his hand in the air to protect himself for something that didn’t come. 

“Because I didn’t want this!” He yelled, his arms coming to close around his chest and trying to hide even more in the corner of the room. 

Jaehyun stilled at his reaction. Why was he acting like that? 

“Sicheng,” He called him, his voice back at being low and kind. He was still let down that Sicheng would hide something like this to him, but there was definitely something wrong and more tragic behind. “Can we please sit and talk like grownups?” 

But Sicheng didn’t move or talk, and soon he let himself burst in tears, and kneel to the floor. Jaehyun run to him and pulled him closer to his chest. And Sicheng wanted to pull away, not used to that. Not happy of letting him see him like this, but what was the point now? Jaehyun would’ve left anyway now that he had found out. He was mad at him like everybody else. He was useless, pathetic and nobody wanted to stick to his side. The only thing he was good at, making people run away. So he could take the good of the situation and let himself lull by Jaehyun, just before he would snap out of the pity and take it on him and then leave him forever. 

But the first words that came out of the other’s mouth, weren’t the ones Sicheng expected to hear. “I’m sorry that I scared you.” 

Sicheng looked up, his eyes red and wet, and sniffled. Why was he apologizing? 

“We can talk if you want, but if you don’t I’ll leave, didn’t want to –”

“No!” Sicheng exclaimed. “Please don’t leave me.” He added, the hold on Jaehyun’s shirt getting incredibly tight. And he could still hear _his_ voice calling him pathetic but he couldn’t care, that was just a nonexistent voice in his head. He needed Jaehyun. 

“I’ll stay. Can we seat there?” He pointed at the chair around the table and Sicheng nodded. 

“Can I, can I sit on your lap?” He mumbled, red in the face. It was such a childish request but he needed to feel that Jaehyun was there, he couldn’t even care how hot it was. But Jaehyun didn’t laugh at him, he simply sat down and pulled him on top of him. 

They didn’t say a word for some minutes. Jaehyun didn’t want to force him to talk, and anyway, he had no idea what to ask him. The pieces of the puzzles were so messed up that he had no idea where to start to put them together. 

“Renjun is mine, as you may have guessed.” Sicheng started to say, a small chuckle rolling out of his lips and his hands nervously playing with each other. Jaehyun grabbed them and intertwined them with his to stop him from torturing his cuticle and then let his chin rest against Sicheng’s shoulder, carefully listening to him. 

“His mother left right after his birth. We were twenty-two, dating since we were eighteen when I went to the dance academy in French. One day I woke up, and all there was left of her, and us, was Renjun in his cradle and a letter marked with tears, and thousands of words to tell me that she had met someone else and didn’t want to be a mother anymore. We wanted him, we wanted Renjun with all of ourselves, and after three months she left.” Jaehyun’s heart sunk. He could’ve imagined that something happened to the other part, but he wasn’t expecting this. 

“I had no idea how to deal with all of that. I never saw it coming, I was so sure that we had finally found our happiness, that finally my life was coming together and all of a sudden everything I believed in wasn’t there anymore. I felt so stupid, so dumb because I couldn’t see the signs. And till these days I still don’t know what happened, where we went wrong, if I could’ve done something, anything to save us.” A bitter smile crept on Jaehyun’s face because he knew that feeling. And he wondered how can you move on from something like that, when it had already been hard, and still was, for him, and it was a divorce. Not a baby that you looked for that suddenly became a burden, a mistake. Jaehyun hadn’t been cheated on and left with a kid. 

“So I completely focused on Renjun. First, because I had to, and I had no intention of making him feel less loved or less wanted. And second, because I didn’t want to face my broken heart. I went on like this till Renjun was two. Then I met a man at a dinner party. I went there because I was working as an assistant in a corporation, and I made the biggest mistake of my life. He was thirty-six year old, fifteen years older than me. He had his life together, an amazing house, three cars, and everybody pending from his lips. We started talking casually but I found myself caught up in him faster than expected. And I was so stupid that I thought he was as into me as I was into him. But there was nothing good in what we had. I was just one of his thousands of sex toys, and I would let him do everything he wanted with me. As long as I could feel wanted even for just ten minutes against a wall or his desk, for me it was okay.” A silent sob got stuck in his throat. He hated thinking about the past, especially that part of his life. He hated that he craved love so much that even the most toxic kind seemed okay to him. 

“After six months like this, I decided to cut things off. I couldn’t bring myself to do it anymore, and I wanted to focus on me and Renjun. But I was stupid and broken, I had no time to heal from her that somebody else had hurt me again. I was battered and bruised and I fell in the rabbit hole like a fool when he came back promising me to be the only one and that he loved me and wanted something serious.” Sicheng sniffled and moved in discomfort on top of Jaehyun. The other pulling him closer to him to reassure him everything was fine. 

“We started to date,” He laughed bitterly. “But I had Renjun. I was a father before anything else, and he didn’t like it. I couldn’t always be where he wanted me to be. And a part of me was always thinking about Renjun even when I was out, I was just terrified something could happen to him, I didn’t want to lose him too. So I decided to open up to him and he seemed so understanding that I fell in his trap, even more, day after day getting deeper. He suggested living with him after three months. Like that, we could’ve spent more time together, I could’ve worked less and spent more time with Renjun, and finally move on from her completely by moving out of our old house. And to me, it looked like magic, but I had no idea of the nightmare that was waiting for me headed. Soon I stopped seeing the daylight, it had happened when Renjun caught a very bad disease and I had to look after him for a month, I was supposed to go back to work after that but he convinced me to stay home. Just to be sure that Renjun was fine and I could take a break from the stressful things that had happened. Pft, just an excuse to keep quiet while he would go around fucking anybody he met and also known that coming home he would’ve found a hot meal, fresh sheets and somebody else to fuck.” 

Jaehyun shivered at his words. He wasn’t so sure he wanted to listen to the rest, but at the same time, he wanted to be a shoulder for Sicheng to lean on. That wasn’t what he had planned when he decided to surprise him that day. That wasn’t something he expected from Sicheng at all, because after all this pain he became so good at hiding emotions that nothing exuded from him. And now Jaehyun could see why he was cold sometimes when every time he let himself grow closer he would take five steps back right after. 

“But once again, I didn’t see it coming. I was so in love with him that everything seemed shiny. He was much older than me and I believed I had so much to learn from him. I would sit and listen to all of the bullshits coming out of his mouth as if they were golden.” Another bitter laugh left his lips. “I treated him like a fucking king. Worshipping his ground like a fool. Every day waiting by the door to greet him home like a hero. My hero, because he saved me, he gave me a roof on the head, he paid for the food, for the water, my clothes, and any other thing he would buy even if I didn’t ask. Because he was doing so much for me and I had to be thankful, happy and quiet.” 

“Then I started to suspect he was cheating on me, but every time I tried to bring the topic up he would gaslight me and I always let go, thinking that it was all in my head. And from then it started to go worst for me. I wanted to be wanted, so bad, Jae, so bad that I would’ve done anything as long as he would’ve kept looking at me and only me.” This time a loud sob escaped from his lips and he had to stop to regain his composure. He had to move and finish the story, it was starting to hurt and Renjun was alone in his room way too long for his liking. 

“But I wish it would’ve stopped there. After six months his company started to flop, and he had to take it on somebody, and he knew that the only one who wouldn’t have dared to say something around was me. I don’t really want to talk about it, but things got worse and physical pretty soon.” Sicheng wanted to erase it from his mind so bad, but he couldn’t, and talking about it only hurt more. It meant going back there, with _his_ hands on his body, his eyes black, his lips bulging and no mercy at his screams and cries. He knew he needed to go to therapy or else that wounds would never heal, but it was too expensive for him, a single father who was already struggling to arrive at the end of the month already like this. 

“That’s why I flinched when you raised your voice before. When I was dating him one wrong step meant a yell from him followed by a slap, that when he was in a good mood and decided to stop there.” Jaehyun didn’t say a thing, he simply started to caress the back of Sicheng’s hand with his thumb to reassure him that with him nothing like that would’ve ever happened. But deep down he knew that wasn’t enough. Sicheng needed help, serious help. But right now, that was the only thing he had to offer, his support. 

Sicheng sniffled, his hands tightening around Jaehyun’s. “It went on for almost two years, and if it wasn’t for Renjun probably I would still be there. I couldn’t stand seeing Renjun living in that toxic environment. Renjun started to be defensive with everybody, at the kindergarten he wouldn’t talk with anybody. He would ask me why I had bruises all over my body and I didn’t know how to lie anymore. He also started to have nightmares at night but _he_ wanted me at his side and I had to put my baby second.” Sicheng paused another time, taking a deep breath. 

“Do you want some water?” Jaehyun asked; the first words he spoke since they started this conversation. But the Chinese man shook his head. He didn’t want to get up and stop feeling the warmth of his body. 

“I had no worth in his life and it was time for me to break free and leave him in ruins. He wasn’t expecting for me to stand up, to take the dagger he had jabbed in me and remove it. And neither was I. I had no money, no job, nowhere to go. But I did it, I was tired of begging for a place that wasn’t meant for me, I knew that both Renjun and I deserved better. To be celebrated, not tolerated. I wanted to call Ten and ask for help but I was so embarrassed by myself that I decided to test my luck completely. So I moved here without saying a word. Slept in hotels and sent jobs applications. And luckily enough I got accepted at the dance studio to teach. I have to look after him so the pay is not much for the few lessons I do, but it’s enough to pay the rent, the bills, food and clothes. I didn’t come here for Christmas, I had to lie to Ten because I didn’t want him to pity me.” Sicheng admitted. 

“Wait, nobody knows about all of this?” Jaehyun asked when the realization hit him. Sicheng did all of that by himself, with nobody by his side. 

“Nobody but you,” Sicheng confirmed, smiling shyly with his head low. 

Silence filled the room after that, but it wasn’t awkward. Sicheng wasn’t in the mood to tell him how hard it had been to come all over another country and start from zero. With the fear _he_ would come to look for them. He had no reason to do that, but Sicheng still lived in fear. That was one of the reasons why he insisted that Renjun wouldn’t trust strangers. _He_ couldn’t care about Renjun, he never did, he wasn’t his. But he knew how much Renjun meant for him, and if he wanted to hurt him, the baby was his Achilles’ heels. 

“Let me check on Injunnie,” Sicheng said getting up. He was still shaking, but he passed his hand on his face to wipe away the tears, ruffled his hair and then walked out the door. And Jaehyun watched him, wondering how many times he had to do it to appear okay in front of his son’s eyes when he clearly wasn’t. 

But after all of this? What was his role in this story? Was Sicheng going to give him a chance or was that the way to let him know he was out of his life? Because Jaehyun didn’t want that, he wanted to stay. Which seemed absurd considering four months before he wasn’t looking for anything serious and now he was getting himself in something that not only was serious but also extremely complicated. And what if Renjun didn’t like him? What if he wasn’t what he wanted and needed? Was he good enough to be a father? 

“Jae,” Sicheng called him, making him come back down from his thoughts. “He fell asleep.” He said, and for the first time that day he saw Sicheng smile also with his eyes, the one Renjun inherited from him. And Jaehyun felt at home. A little bit messed up, with broken windows and lots of things to fix, but at home. 

“So, what are we making for dinner?” Jaehyun asked standing up and walking towards Sicheng. 

The man stared at him with an eyebrow raised. “You want to stay?” 

“Yeah, I came to spend time with you,” Jaehyun said as if it was the most obvious thing. 

“And what are we going to do with...us?” He asked, his finger moving between them. He had spent an hour ranting about his life but they didn’t say a word about them. And what kind of them? That was nothing serious right? He was the dumb one who caught feelings in the way, not Jaehyun who just came out of a happy relationship ended in tragedy and wanted nothing to do with something serious. 

“Give us a try? Only if you want to.” Jaehyun proposed, his face lighting up in a warm smile who showed his dimples. 

Sicheng gasped. The Jaehyun, Jung Yoonoh wanted to give them a try? He wanted to take all the mess he, Dong Sicheng, carried with him. He hoped to God that wasn’t another twist of fate and that this time was really the right one. For him and for Renjun, who deserved stability. 

“Wait, I didn’t scare you for life?” Was the only thing he managed to say, though. 

“It takes more than that to scare me.” Jaehyun winked. 

“Well, I guess it’s time to bring out the dead bodies in the freezer,” Sicheng answered, dead serious. Just to burst out laughing two seconds later. 

“God, you’re so stupid,” Jaehyun said before pulling him into a kiss. 

Maybe his love story wasn’t finished, yet. He just had to wait for the book to complete itself. 

༄

“What if she doesn’t like it?” Sicheng said tossing and turning the Christmas gift he had in hand. 

Jaehyun sighed, stopping at the red light and turning around to have a better view of the man sitting on the passenger seat. 

“Wingi, she’s not even six months old. What do you think she’s going to do? Throw it at you?” 

“But babies that age needs things that stimulate their growth and it’s really important that they grow fond of their things.” Sicheng ranted. 

“Dear Lord,” He exclaimed, starting the car, again. “She’s going to love it, you’ll see it.”

“But –”

“Injunnie, why don’t we sing this song?” Before Sicheng could start to complain again, Jaehyun raised the volume of the radio passing Last Christmas. 

Renjun giggled in his teddy bear hooded baby jumpsuit and with is plushie firm in the hold of his hands who were starting to be less chubby, and then said: “So daddy will shut up and sing with us.” 

“Hey!” Sicheng screamed, turning around a little bit to look at the child sitting in the middle in his children’s car seat. “I’m telling you, I don’t like it that you two started plotting against me.” 

Then the three burst into a loud laugh just to start singing the song together soon after. 

“Dada,” Renjun called Sicheng, “want to know why this is my favourite song?” 

“Yes, why?” Sicheng asked, looking at him from the review mirror. 

“It reminds me of us. We were always lonely during Christmas or with that bad man but now we have papa and we’re happy and home is filled with love because you gave your heart to someone special.” 

Jaehyun had to thank God they had arrived at Johnny and Ten’s house, and he had nobody behind because the brutal stops he did would’ve caused an accident. His heart stopped in his chest just to start beating twice the normal rage. But Sicheng’s reaction was any different. They weren’t expecting this. 

They started to get serious right after that talk, but it hadn’t been easy. They wanted to see if they really worked together and then later Jaehyun would’ve entered Renjun’s life. Because if things didn’t work out, Sicheng didn’t want to also mend Renjun’s broken heart. So even if it had been almost six months together, and Jaehyun already got closer to the baby, they dropped the news to Renjun only one month ago. And he loved it. Renjun was so enamoured of Jaehyun that he wanted all of them to live together right away, and it also didn’t take him much to ask for another sibling, preferably a sister, just because he was head over heels for the little girl uncle Johnny and Ten had just adopted. But Renjun had never said something that strong. And also he never called Jaehyun dad, or anything alike. 

“I think I need a moment,” Jaehyun mumbled. His heart still jumping in his chest. Renjun had called him papa and said he was someone special, in front of the same house where he got his heart broken one year before by seeing his ex-husband replacing him with somebody else. 

“Congratulation, you broke daddy Jae.” Sicheng joked turning around, expecting to find Renjun to still be seated, but the small beast was already seat belts free with his head in the middle of the front seats, smiling at them. 

“Nooo. You need to work!” He said pushing his little finger in Jaehyun’s cheek. Jaehyun turned around unexpectedly and jokingly eat it, making Renjun jump in surprise. 

Renjun’s high and genuine laugh resonated in the vehicle, his head thrown back and his eyes closed as four eyes full of love stared at him. Finally, after all the pain everything seemed to be falling into pieces. Finally, there was happiness. And it was all summed up in that beautiful laugh. 

“Come on! I want to see Yerim!” Renjun shouted once he stopped laughing and started to jump on the spot. Hurring them to let him free. 

“As you wish, your majesty.” Jaehyun joked and opened the car door to get open Renjun’s. 

Once the car was locked and they grabbed the bags with all the other gifts, Sicheng took a deep breath and stretched to Jaehyun his hand, which he took. Renjun was already knocking on the front door with Yeri’s gift in his tiny hands. 

“You okay?” Jaehyun asked before he started walking towards their friends’ house. And Sicheng nodded, a bright smile on his face. “We met here one year ago.”

“And I told you I wasn’t looking for anything serious. And look at us now.” Jaehyun remembered him. It was funny how fate worked, sometimes. 

Sicheng laughed. That became their inside joke when Sicheng started to call him ‘Mrs. Nothing serious’ any time he wanted to tease him. 

“If you don’t come in right now, I’m leaving you out in the cold!” Johnny’s voice called them and they both rolled their eyes before hurrying their steps to walk inside. 

༄

The chatting of the people filled the big living room, the Christmas tree in the corner and the ambient lights created a warm and cosy atmosphere along with the holiday music playing in the background, loud enough to be heard but not to annoy. Ten didn’t hold back even that year where they had been extremely busy with the baby. But it was nice. Johnny and Ten’s Christmas party was one of the constant things in Jaehyuns’s life, he liked to know that he could always look forward to this. Especially now that everything fell into pieces. 

“Why you didn’t tell me you were his ex-husband?” 

“Well, good evening to you, too, Taeyong,” Jaehyun said, with a tint of irony in his voice. The man rolled his eyes. 

“You made me stand there and tell you about us for what?” He asked, going back to his point. 

Jaehyun sighed, and then he turned towards the voice coming from his side. Taeyong was standing in front of him, even more handsome than he was the year before. His hair was now a dark red, similar to the colour of the velvet suit he was wearing. 

“To make sure he was in good hands. To make sure he has found his happiness.” Jaehyun explained. 

Taeyong didn’t say a word. That wasn’t the answer he was expecting. 

“And if you’re wondering, yes, I think he is.” 

The other man furrowed. “Why? Why would you hurt yourself like this?”

“I didn’t hurt myself. Or, well, yes, it did hurt but it was useful. I needed closure, Tae. Can I call you that?” The man nodded. “Knowing that he had somebody else that brought the happiness I wasn’t able to give him anymore helped to get there.”

“Yeah but I still felt like shit when Doyoung told me about you,” Taeyong explained, sipping from his flûte full of champagne. 

“You shouldn’t. I mean, look at this, everything is perfect now, right?” Jaehyun pointed in front of them. Ten was holding Yerim in his arms, talking with Sicheng and some other friends from work, while Doyoung and Johnny were chatting with Mark and Yuta. And he didn’t feel the suffocating feeling anymore. No matter all the unknown faces that still filled the room, or the fact that this wasn’t the plan he had in mind. 

“I’m going to treat him right, even for you,” Taeyong said, his big sparkling brown eyes meeting Jaehyun’s. He still didn't understand how Jaehyun could act like this, but he appreciated his maturity and his positivity. It felt strange, probably if he was at his place he would've hated himself, yet, Jaehyun didn't. 

“I know you will.” He answered smiling. He had no doubt about that. 

༄

The sounds and the life of the city could be felt from the window where Sicheng was standing, the party alive behind him while he was spacing out, caught up in his emotions. 

"What are you thinking about?" Jaehyun asked coming behind him, his arms wrapping around his waist, his chin resting on his boyfriend's shoulder. 

"I used to sit in front of the window dreaming of a better day, every day of my life when it started to get worst. But as much as I dreamed it, it always seemed like an impossible thing to achieve." Sicheng started to explain, throwing his head back so he could rest against Jaehyun. "Then I dried my tears and went looking for it. But I never thought it would end up being so wonderful." 

A smile appeared on Jaehyun's lips as he held him closer. 

"I used to think the divorce was the biggest failure of my life for my age and for everything I had in mind about my future. Then I discovered that there's nothing wrong in adding a plot twist in the story you're writing. Especially if the plot this is this beautiful." This time the one smiling was Sicheng, as warmth spread across his chest. It felt like home, after all the broken houses he lived in, he finally found a place to call home. 

"Are you," Sicheng mumbled, his hands searching for Jaehyun's around his waist. "ever afraid, I don't know, that something might go wrong again?" Sicheng didn't want to ask that to ruin the mood, but sometimes fear would always come back to haunt him. He was getting better, he started to go to therapy and could finally see the clearer picture, but he didn't heal completely yet. And maybe knowing that Jaehyun had the same fears would calm him down. 

"I am. I had spent years convinced that somebody would've been by my side forever and then one morning they weren't there anymore, and the same thing happened to you. I don't want to lose you and Renjun but I don't even want to stain our story with fear and hold it back. I'm pretty positive about us, we make a really great family." Jaehyun said, turning his head back to look at Renjun, who was lulling Yeri with Ten by his side, for a second and then looked back at Sicheng. 

"I don't want to make promises anymore, Cheng," Jaehyun said, and Sicheng furrowed for a second. "But I can tell you that I want to hold your hands as we walk for a long distance keeping our pace, with no one running behind us, following our path. And I hope that when it turns to grey, or it rains, we don't run away but we will keep looking for a better place, a better version of us. I don't want to promise you anything, but I hope I can be the one that wipes your tears and hears you laugh for a long time." The sincerity in Jaehyun's warm voice made Sicheng's heart skip a beat. As if he was wonderstruck he finally realized everything was real. After all, somebody was willing to spend forever by his side, and also take care of Renjun. In all the chaos of this big world, in the thousands of souls that walked the heart, and all their heartbeats, Sicheng had found his missing puzzle piece. 

A hot tear streamed down his face as his eyes locked into Jaehyun's, making extra sure that he was standing right in front of him and he wasn't just another of his beautiful dreams.

"Do you like this idea?" Jaehyun asked. He didn't want to use the word 'plan' anymore, he prefered ideas, so he could have fun staring at them and see how they would turn out. 

Sicheng smiled, his eyes lighting up like the stars in the sky that night. "I love this idea." And then he closed the distance between them with a kiss. 

༄

“So he calls you dada,” Johnny teased walking to stand by Jaehyun’ side, his finger pointing at Renjun who had fallen asleep in Jaehyun’s arms. It was almost midnight, and the party was coming to an end, but Renjun gave up before they could finish the celebrations and Jaehyun's arms seemed like the most comfortable place for him. 

“He does.” Jaehyun smiled. And Johnny chuckled, that kind of smirk Jaehyun deciphered perfectly. 

“What, Johnny? What is the lesson you have to give me, now?” He asked, rolling his eyes. 

“Nothing. I was just thinking you’ve always been one of a kind.” His best friend said tilting his head to the side to have a better look of him. 

“Elaborate, please.”

“A marriage, a divorce, becoming the father of a baby that’s not yours. That’s quite surreal for the perfect love story you always wanted.” Johnny explained. And before Jaehyun could talk back, taking it as an insult, he added what he really wanted to say to him. “I’m proud of you. Just wanted to let you know.” One of his arm wrapping around Jaehyun in a half hug. 

And Jaehyun smiled, after whispering a small ‘thank you’ that was interrupted by cheers coming behind them. They looked at each other and then walked toward the table where everybody had gathered around. Johnny walked towards Ten who was holding his usual 'end of the year' speech that he always insisted to do to thank the people hat made part of his life. And Jaehyun reached Sicheng, leaving a small kiss on his forehead. 

And now that he had all the people that changed his life in one room, smiling happily and cherishing each other, Jaehyun understood something important. His life definitely hadn’t been the perfect love story he always fantasized of, but that was the most beautiful part of it. And just because his initial plans didn’t work out it didn’t mean that what was waiting headed was bad. In the end, the most beautiful things that happened in his life were unexpected. He wasn’t looking for Doyoung when he found him and shared such a big slice of his life, for seven happy years. And he wasn’t looking for Sicheng and Renjun when he found them, after all the curses and cries. Jaehyun had learnt to stop crying and start to look at the past with the same smile on his face that he was reserving for the future. Because now that his eyes moved between Doyoung with his arms wrapped around Taeyong and Sicheng clenching at his side, while Renjun was still sleeping in his arms, he was more than sure, that in their history, after the great divide, there was a glorious sunrise waiting for them. 

Jaehyun had loved Doyoung with every fibre of his body and he knew that Doyoung did too. He knew they had an amazing time together when they were younger. They had grown together, seen each other at their worst and their best. They had given so much to each other, and Jaehyun will never forget. And he knew that Doyoung was feeling the same. He knew it, from the way he turned around, looked for him in the crowd of people, and smiled. And they had shared so much that they didn't need words to understand each other. Their smiles were screaming silent thank yous. Thank you for walking by my side all this time. They would've moved on, from then on, holding hands with somebody else, but always holding each other in their hearts. 

And leavening it all behind wasn’t a bad thing, anymore. 

It only meant one thing. 

Finally, there was happiness, in their past and in whatever the future was holding for them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAA I honestly love them so much I would never stop writing about them, tbh. I'd love to make a series out of this but I don't know if I have the time for it. If you made it till the end, thank you so much. And I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated, you can also find me on [Tumblr.](https://winestainedress-universe.tumblr.com/)


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